You'll Never, EVER Guess the Number of Bees in Our House

Would like to try? Drumroll, please: there were approximately 45,000 bees living in the wall of our (rented, thank GOD!) house. 45 THOUSAND. I think I am suffering from post traumatic stress disorder from witnessing the bee and hive removal, seeing the honey oozing from the wall, etc. The picture above is of the honeycomb steaks currently residing in our freezer. That lasagna pan full of honeycomb is only about ONE TENTH the size of the entire honeycomb. But let me start at the beginning, so here goes. And for everyone for checks this blog just to see pics of little Lucy, I'm sorry but I have to get this bee blog out of my system.

The bee man knocked on our door at around 1 p.m. He didn't look like what a "bee man" would look like. Or I didn't think so. This man was in his 60's or 70's and did not look super agile, as I would imagine a bee man would. So very nice bee man introduces himself and says he needs to come in because the first thing he needed to do was to listen to the bees through the wall. Sure enough, the man broke out a stethescope and put it straight up to the wall. I had to turn the A/C off because apparently running water and A/Cs sound like bees. Now, after bee man went outside, I conducted my own bee listening experiment by putting my ear against the wall and sure enough, I could HEAR BEES!!!!!! I can still hear them now....

So I ask bee man how he will get the bees out. He replies, not missing a beat, well, I will vacuum them out. Interesting. Just wait, this story gets better and better.

Bee man goes back outside and I pretend to look busy unpacking boxes in the bedroom but really just watching bee man out the window. (The bees were living in the wall outside of the master bedroom closet, the same closet in which I whacked my forehead on a shelf the other day which has resulted in particularly nasty looking head wound, I think the cloest needs an exorcism. But I digress.) I watch him suit up in the bee man hat with netting and several layers of protective clothing. After an hour or so, bee man knocks on the door. I open it even though bee man has bees ON him. And I'm thinking, what is wrong with this picture? Why am I opening the door to bee man when he has on three layers and netting covering his face, while I am standing here bare armed in a t-shirt? He proceeds to tell me to feel free to take pictures (because I told him earlier I wanted to photograph this exciting event). Just at that moment, I feel something on my arm and look down to see a bee on me. I scream hysterically and fail wildly. I was flailing away while trying NOT to flail because bee man had just told me, whatever you do, don't flail. What?! How can you NOT flail?! Bee man doesn't flail. In fact, he doesn't even flinch. He just stands there. Guess he is used to getting stung. I should mention that Lucy is taking a wonderful long nap in her crib during this exchange. Ever since this bee landing on me, I am feeling phantom bees on me. These phantom bees are causing me to twitch and thrash sporadically, which Seth finds alarming. And to be honest, I do too.

So I go outside to check out the hive. And then I see it. It was truly one of the most horrfying things I've ever seen in my entire life. Bee man had sawed off a four ft. (vertical) by two ft. area of siding, revealing a four ft. by two ft. honeycomb that is oozing honey and filled with swarming bees. Just imagine your house, if a wall were sawed off and you saw honey dripping down it like it was some kind of bee farm. Again, horrifying. And the bees were swarming everywhere. I think maybe bee man misunderstood me when I said I wanted to take pictures--I wanted pictures AFTER the bees had all been sucked up. But it didn't matter anyway because I could not FIND the stupid camera. So sadly, I have no photos to document the four ft. by two ft. hive. Or actually it was bigger--the bee man said it extended two ft. further up.

After another three or four hours, bee man knocks on the door again and says he's finished. He gives us several foot long giant hunks of hive that is oozing with honey. Oh sweet honey. It tastes very sweet. Tastes like home. Our home. Sad. Bee man says that he has gotten most of the bees and honey. Neighborhood bees are going to come and get the remaining honey during the next two days when the siding remains off. Then a carpenter will come and replace the siding and seal it REALLY WELL so that no more bees move in.

Seth and I seize the opportunity to needle bee man with a million questions. Here goes:
Seth: How many bees were in there?
Bee man: Well, there are about 15,000 per pound, and you had three pounds. You had a enough for your own colony. But there are all these ordinances for that. You have to have a fence so high, on so much land, etc.
Seth: NO WAY!!!!!!!
Me: [Numerous expletives and sheer terror on my face.] So there was only an INCH of siding separating me and my BABY from 45,000 bees?
Bee man: Well, they were actually pretty tame bees.
Me: [In my head, DOES IT MATTER!!???] How long have they been there?
Bee man: This year. They started this year. You can tell by the color of the honeycomb. It's probably been here since March.
Me: I hear that eating local raw honey helps with allergies.
Bee man: Yes, it does. It can also help with weight loss. I have been eating a teaspoon of honey every night for the last seven months and have lost 40 pounds.
Me: Well, you better believe I'll be eating that honey. [I resisted the urge to go stick my face in the giant honeycomb on the counter.]
Bee man: So before you eat that honey, you need to freeze it for 24 hours then let it thaw. Then you can drizzle it from the honeycomb or you can chew on the honeycomb.
Me: Thanks so much. [And I hope I never, ever see you again for another bee removal.]

So friends, there you have it. If you ever want a taste of our home, please feel free to come on over, and you can drizzle it in your coffee or your tea. Needless to say it has been a long day. So good night all, I wish you sweet dreams. I hope mine are bee-free...